From: TECRUS::WEISENBACH "an adherent of a particular nonreligion 22-May-1991 2319" 22-MAY-1991 23:38:11.73 To: @PIG.DIS CC: Subj: Another Pig Roast message! WHAT: Even MORE vital information on the Pig Roast©! WHEN: As soon as you read it! WHERE: I'm guessing in your cubicle, but for the hopelessly technical it may be in YOUR OWN HOME! WHO: Friends, family, the slightly warped. WHY: ? Why? Good question. Which leads me to think of the other good questions that you might have had that I should have addressed. Which further leads me to believe that I should send out another Pig Roast© message to inform those individuals that may be wondering about things. So... Q#1: Do you have have to put the © after Pig Roast? It makes it look like Pig Roast-O, it's a technoid affectation, and I'm jealous because I don't know how to make it. Could you stop adding it? A: Well, fine. I will stop. And when others copy and steal our hedonistic property and start churning out cheap, spiritless imitations, who'll be sorry then? Anyway, I can't help it if I'm better at guessing the right keys on a keyboard and you're hopeless. Q#2: Are Pig Roasts fun? A: You sad soul, obviously you've never been to one! Pig Roasts are a BLAST! It's almost continual non-stop fun, starting from 10PM the night before. Yes, so much fun that one day could not contain it. Think of it. All your friends, plenty of food and drink, fine summer weather, volleyball, hot-tubs, maybe even live music if we ever get around to begging Mr. Sherred to play some. This will be on another level of fun than that of your daily existence. Certainly my daily existence. If you are on the list, then I don't see how you can miss this. I am pretty sure I would shrivel up inside if I missed a Pig Roast. Q#3: If I'm a vegetarian, is there any reason for me to go? A: YES. Admittedly the main feature might nauseate you, but that happens to a number of people regardless of their dietary persuasion (it tastes great though). The key things to remember is that there will be other dishes to feast upon, provided by the other attendees, and that chips, pretzels, and BEER contain NO animal products! So come on out! Q#4: Will there be Alternative Beverages? A: YES. There will be non-alcoholic beverages available, along with a great deal of BEER (my personal favorite). There may be wine also, especially if you bring it. Q#5: How can I get out of some previously scheduled event, like a wedding or something, and go to this festival of fun and good times? A: That would depend. If the event only LOOKED important, like you were going to move that day or something, then I would just bag it and go to the Pig Roast (no ©,see Q#1). If it WAS really important to SOMEBODY, but not necessarily yourself, you should use past behavior to guide you. If you're forgetful, then forget it (what brother in upstate New York?). If you're cheap, then go to the Pig Roast because where else are you going to get, looking at an extreme case, more than 24 hours worth of party for some minor donation? If you're quiet and unassuming, just SAY you went (but I was next to grandma!). If the other event IS important to YOU, well it's just time to look deep into your soul and decide what your priorities REALLY are. Can you really pass up such a great time in the sun, with friends and pork all around? Q#6: Can I get an executive summary? I have to go soon. A: Hmm... Did you ask question #1 by any chance? Anyway: WHAT: The Fantabulous Pig Roast, Spring '91! WHEN: JUNE 22nd, around noon or whenever. WHERE: Lewis Lahr's house. WHO: Friends, family, as long as you count them. WHY: It'll be too nice a day to do anything else! And besides, it'll be more than a year since the last one. A long year. Q#7: What was the hot tub/washing machine experiment? A: That was a once in a lifetime event involving dishwashing soap and the Lew's hot tub. I think it began over a concern about cleanliness. It was a lurid affair, with suds covering the deck up to two feet deep and several people getting a little too excited. For instance, Pam S. jumped in fully clothed, Mike G. decided to go to the other extreme, and who can forget that picture of Lew? Who doesn't remember the horror of the infamous Suds-man, Mike G. (before becoming `unencumbered', so to speak), rising out of the foamy deep to engulf unsuspecting individuals in a bear hug? Of course some of those people are scarred for life now, but rest assured it was a ONCE in a lifetime event. Or else. Q#8: What are the New Morality codes? A: Oh, nothing big. A few simple guidelines to make sure everyone has a lot of fun. Such as: [1] No Kennedy's are allowed in. Who needs that much trouble? [2] Do not eat all the best desserts before those cutting the pig get a chance at them. [3] It is everyone's duty to assist the walking-impaired zombies, so they don't fall and bash their heads. [4] Mike Galvin must remain on a leash at all times. [5] Do not forget to drop by in the morning with muffins.¹ [6] Do not ransack Lew's house for dish soap, there won't be any! [7] Do not bring a drinking container greater than 24 fluid ounces. I hate having to wait that long in the keg line. [8] You must wear a name tag, in case I want to complain about you next year. [9] Alert a responsible individual if a keg runs dry. [10] Consider leaving behind a donation. [11] Do not gobble down obscene amounts of pork before others get any. I know it's the best tasting pig-meat you'll ever have, but share. [12] Do nothing that will void Lew's lease, or bring the police. ¹ Used to be donuts before cholesterol, fiber, and the surgeon general. Q#9: Sounds a little wild, I guess I can't bring my kids? A: That's the best part! A Pig Roast is a many-splendored thing. There's the pig's send-off party the night before, the overnight-by-the-fire bonding experience, and the early morning breakfast thing. And that's before the Pig Roast officially begins. Come afternoon, it's a frolic in the sun cook-out, suitable for family consumption! Later, the feast begins! After dark, the kids should be in bed anyway and the energy level begins to peak in a memorable blow-out. After midnight, the zombies walk. So you see, there's something for everyone. And if we get enough kids, maybe Lew will let us play with his T-ball set. Q#10: Well, you've convinced me. I'll drop everything I was doing and will plan to be there the entire weekend. When does it all start? A: Glad you asked. The pink porker, fresh from the butcher, is securely fastened to the big black pipe around 10PM on the 21st. The fires are lit, and a keg is tapped right about then too. So any time after that is a time to come out. The official Pig Roast part of the Pig Roast starts at noon on JUNE 22ND, with the meat of our labors being served around 4PM. These times are all approximate. Come over whenever you want. Q#11: I've asked everybody I think should go if they could attend. When can I RSVP? A: Next message will ask for RSVP's so the headcount can be estimated. If the growth curve continues, this year's roast may require the horsepower of twin turbo pigs! Q#12: By the way, the warm winter left me with excess firewood. Know of any way I can get rid off that unsightly wood pile? A: Funny you should mention wood. We'll be needing a lot of it for cooking the pig properly. I suppose we could take it off your hands, especially if we could get some help in delivering it...