From: TECRUS::WEISENBACH "Outlets for hostility... 14-May-1992 1637" 14-MAY-1992 16:45:19.37 To: @PIG.DIS CC: Subj: Pig Roast© alert! Consider this: According to the Weekly World News, a wax dummy was found in Elvis's coffin. What does this mean? I mean, when did they find this out? Was it before or after he was buried? Did they use sophisticated seismic equipment to determine the mass contain in the grave was paraffin and not the moldering remains of the King? Or did they take core samples? Consider this: Pig Roast time! Important facts follow. [1] The Pig Roast is JUNE 13TH, for the second week in a row! [2] The Pig Roast will be held at Lewis Lahr's party center and barbeque pit. Lew's place is in Southboro, directions will follow in later messages, although veterans of earlier Pig Blasts already know the way by heart. [3] There will be further messages, so if you want off the list now, speak. [4] The people invited to the Pig Roast are: you, friends, family, and small pets/children. It's fun for all ages! [5] You have about another week or so to decide if you can make this event of utmost fun and importance, before I ask for RSVP's. An RSVP is very important, since sizing a swine up or down is very hard to do once it is dead. And yes, the pig is killed on Chuck's order, sort of like Slick Clinton and the Arkansas penitentiary system. So in order to avoid a life in vain, and to make sure the kegs of beer are plentiful enough, we need definite responses. But not yet! [6] Also, you and those you drag along should bring a side-dish to share. We do not organize these things in anyway, so bring whatever is considered cool in your subculture (cookies, by the way, are cool). [7] The Hosts, by the way and so far, are the following god-like People this year: Lewis Lahr - First and foremost! It's his place after all (thanks to his ever tolerant roomates.) Chuck Benz - The Master Roaster! It's still his job to bolt the pig to the big black pole. Chris Mayer - Mongo is back for a second time! And do we know secrets about him! Dianna Sleeper/Don Sollars - Their punishment for backing out of having it at their new place (right Alan?) Chris Schreppel - The ever intense Schrepster. Please don't park near his car. and me. Anyway.... I didn't get a chance to finish reading the story before the cashier demanded money. While seemingly a normal occurrence, I sensed it was part of the great conspiracy. I believe that all the small conspiracies that I have discovered in my life are really linked to the grander, world-wide conspiracy. Thus, I am stopped from discovering the truth about Elvis, just as Oliver Stone was stopped from discovering the truth about JFK. In fact, I recently discovered the truth about Oliver Stone. There is no Oliver Stone. There is only the syndicate behind the Weekly World News, and the hacks that turn their fine prose into the big, splashy multimillion dollar movies that win Oscars. Not that the Oscars aren't riddled with plots and intrigue themselves, of course. But think of those that thwart your drives each day. Why are they there other than to prevent the full fruition of your master plan for world dominance? At least that's the case for me. Finally... I was surprised that very few of you picked up on my mistaken assertion that the day our nation was founded was in June. I guess the long and dull articles I read about the decay of the U.S. education system are true. People are escaping our institutional learning facilities lacking basic knowledge of not only U.S. history, but geography, grammar, and basic statistics. No wonder this country is having trouble competing against countries we once laid low with the powerful fires from U.S. technologies. And who shall we blame for the woeful downward spiral of lowered expectations and economic hardship? Why free-spending, Great Society, carping liberal Democrats, of course! Their overbearing regulations and government largess have sapped the spirit of the nation's school systems, preventing the free-market, capitalist competition that would have honed the educational process in America. Instead of turning out the "best in class", the school systems at every level are clogged with the mediocre and the tenured and the inefficient. It is time to try something new, and that something is, of course, school prayer. That's not to say that I am unaware of U.S. history myself, of course. My misspeaking was based on a heavy Irish stout (but I didn't swallow) and the fact I work on a project where June and July are virtually, politically, and by decree deemed synonymous. And being the dedicated corporate drone that I am, I have personalized and internalized the latest dogma. All is well, that's my byline, my motto, my epitaph.